Left Outside Alone An X/1999 story Damouse ~ i wonder if you know how it feels to be left outside alone - Blustering wind blew viciously, whipping Kamui’s dark hair into a frenzy. The boy himself stood still, hands clenched into fists by his side as he stood in front of the ancient sakura tree, branches looming menacingly above him, as soft pink petals fluttered down, dancing along with the wind. He came that day because he had one question for one man. One single question that had been burning into his mind since the man left, unannounced although not unexpected, in that dark night of death and despair. Since the night he himself was plunged into a kaleidoscope of confusion, and only the man can help him sort out. He wasn’t even sure if Subaru wanted to see him – but he will wait for the Sakurazamori to come to him. The man knew he was there, that he was sure. The mere thought of his gentle Subaru being a ruthless killer not unlike Sakuraza Seishirou made him felt slightly sick in the pits of his stomach. The skies darkened, and there was still no sight of Subaru – but still he waited. Waited patiently, silently. He wasn’t worried about the other Dragons of Heaven looking for him – he had told Sorata that he needed time and the monk had almost instantaneously knew what he meant. Sorata will explain his absence and they would not worry about him. The rain had begun falling in a light drizzle when the sakura petals danced more intensely, swirling around the shape of a man, and then gracefully dispersing to reveal the almost expressionless face of Subaru. Kamui could not deny the sharp pain that shot through him as he looked at Subaru, recognizing his way of appearing as the former Sakurazamori’s, recognizing the mismatched eye that look so cold, cold, next to an emerald green one that still flickered with a familiar intensity. “What are you doing here?” Subaru’s voice was flat. Standing before his former comrade, his friend, his…he wouldn’t allow himself to think any further. He was tired, he was exhausted and he just needed to know something from the man, and he would go. “When does this end?” Surprise lighted up in the green eye for a fraction of a second before it died out. “What do you mean?” The voice still remained emotionless. “I want the final battle.” Kamui’s voice matched Subaru’s, falling into a cold, flat tone. “…Why?” “Because, I can’t stand this anymore.” Subaru did not bother to ask for any more reasons to Kamui’s words. “I can’t give you the final battle, Kamui. It is not in my place to do so. Rather, you are the one to call it, Kamui, of the Dragons of Heaven.” The slightly mocking tone in his words sparked a flame of rage in Kamui, fanning his infamous temper. The Subaru he knew, would never mock him the way this one standing in front him did. Subaru had changed. More or less, he had changed. And Kamui hated it. He clenched his fists, eyes darkening. “Don’t address me that way.” Something in Subaru melted as he looked at the boy, such a familiar expression of rage. He took a few steps closer to his former Kamui. “You shouldn’t be here. This is not a place you should be.” He said quietly, an almost reprimanding tone in his voice. A small flare of hope sparked in Kamui when he heard the familiar cadences of a voice he knew, before he extinguished the hope himself. He didn’t come here to get Subaru back – Subaru will never return and he knew it. He was bound to Seishirou, as he always had been. “Where else would I find you, Sakurazamori?” He muttered, bitterness edging his voice, feeling almost defeated. A weary expression cast itself upon Subaru’s face. “Kamui…” he began, before the boy cut him off. “Don’t even say it, Subaru. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear how ‘I would never understand’ because I will never fucking understand.” Subaru made no move to continue what he was saying, but yet he looked almost sad as he watched Kamui. “You’ve changed.” Back to whom you were before I met you. Kamui shot him a poisonous glare. “You are one to talk.” You have no right to say anything about me. Not anymore. “I just want an answer from you. When does it end?” “It ends on the Promised Day.” “And who will kill me?” It was remarkable, that he stated that so calmly. So accepting of his death, almost welcoming it. “I don’t know.” Something in Kamui exploded, fiercely and rather suddenly, as he looked at the man in front of him. Him, whom he used to hold in such high regard, whom he used to…and still...looking at him with that air of indifference, like he didn’t care, not at all…he just couldn’t take it anymore. “I’m sick and tired, Subaru. Of waiting, of waiting to see who will die next, or who will I kill or who will kill me…maybe it would be you, wouldn’t it? Or maybe it will be Fuuma and maybe I can’t save this world. Or maybe this world is not even worth saving anymore. I don’t even know what the fuck I believe in. Maybe there used to be something…” purple eyes pitted themselves against mismatched ones, as he continued heatedly. “…but I don’t know. Fuuma may never come back, not ever. What am I fighting for? What am I fighting for?” Almost despairing, the boy collapsed against the old tree, fighting back his tears. And you left me, you left me when you said you would fight by my side to the Promised Day. I’m sixteen. I shouldn’t have to go through this. Not with this weight. Not with the fate of humanity on my shoulders. No. Subaru’s face remained as impassive as he could keep it but emotions churned within him as he looked at Kamui trying to hold back his tears. The boy was so beautiful, and even if he wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. He was Kamui, the sole person he identified with, the one person he cared about, the one he didn’t want to leave behind when he was forced to make a choice. Sighing almost inaudibly, he crouched down next to the boy. He stretched out his hand as if to touch Kamui’s dark hair, but drew back before it made actual contact. “You know what you must do, Kamui.” He said gently. Kamui lifted his head, hearing the old Subaru, and met the piercing amber-green gaze, feeling the daggers in the core of his soul. “I don’t want to go on anymore. I’m tired. I’m really tired. I cannot even trust the people around me, not when they all might leave…” like how you left. “They will not leave you.” I had no choice, can’t you see? “I don’t want to wait. I want resolution, Subaru. If I die, so be it. If I have to kill Fuuma…” …or you… “…for the sake of this world – then maybe I must do it, even though I don’t know if I can.” I still want to bring him back to me. Subaru remained silent, his silence already evident as an answer. You must do what you must do. “I don’t have a wish anymore.” Kamui exhaled and rested his head against the bark of the tree. He jolted when he felt hesitant fingers grazing the side of his face. Subaru gazed at him intently, as if memorizing every feature on his face. “Since the beginning, it wasn’t fair. But it is your destiny. It lies within you, and you must find it. You still have a wish, Kamui. You alone know what it is, and you alone know whether it is worth protecting.” Shades of the Subaru he knew were gradually coming back, he could feel it, beneath the Subaru that was now a Dragon of Earth. The man laid his palm gently against Kamui’s cheek, thumb brushing lightly across his skin. “It’s not my battle - I’m not part of that war anymore.” He said softly, eyes closing heavily. “But why are you still a Dragon of Earth? Why did you leave?” Kamui asked, almost pleadingly. Why won’t you come back to me – if you don’t want to fight anymore? Subaru’s eyes still held his, shining brightly in the green, dark and desolate in the amber. Because it was my wish. It was my wish, Kamui. I can’t let go, no matter how much I tried, how much I wanted to. And Kamui understood. Subaru lifted his hand from Kamui’s face, knowing that the boy understood. “You still want to bring Fuuma back.” He stated. Kamui bit his lip, looking down at his hands. He still wanted to bring Fuuma back, he still wanted his best friend to remain that, his best friend. But he had lost his direction, he wasn’t sure if he could do it anymore. “It is your battle. You still want to fight. You know it, Kamui.” You will do what you want to do. You must do what you must do. A tear escaped Kamui’s eye, falling down his cheek in a single crystal drop. Yes, he knew it all along that he must continue to fight. He lost his way when Subaru left – and that was the reason he stumbled upon the tree today. He needed to regain his own belief for fighting, that Fuuma can still be saved. That he was still worth something, he was still able to keep the ones he loved. But he could never bring Subaru back. “Thank you.” He said shakily, trying to stand up. “I’m sorry…maybe I really shouldn’t have come…” but I just need to see you. “Kamui…” He felt a hand on his arm, and he was dragged towards Subaru, whose eyes of mystery bored into his, almost unwilling to let go. I can’t say it, I can’t say the words, but you must understand. The older man drew Kamui closer to him, pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. Kamui closed his eyes, knowing this was the last touch he would ever feel from Subaru. After all this was done, after he returned, they would be on opposite sides, enemies. One Dragon of Heaven, the other a Dragon of Earth. “The Promised Day…” Kamui began. “…I will meet you there.” Subaru smiled faintly, and both of them knew what it meant. There were no fairytales. No happily-ever-after. Kamui pressed himself against Subaru for the last time, inhaling the smoky scent, familiarizing the feel of Subaru’s arms around him, hands gripping at the lapels of the trench coat, for a several moments before he let go, and stepped back. I loved you. I love you. Regret almost crushed him, but he had no idea it was doing the same to Subaru. He turned and left, knowing that a pair of emerald-amber eyes was still watching him as he walked. It was still his battle. - it's not okay i don’t feel [ back ]
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