Your Eden A X/1999 story Amet Part Two Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. Imonoyama Mansion: 1999 "...Subaru-san? Subaru-san, I know you're there, you never get up before seven-thirty. It's one thing to ignore me when I'm rattling off statistics but quite another when I'm trying to ask after your welfare. Subaru-san? Are you awake? I'm your grandmother, Subaru-san, I think you owe me at least a little of your time." A pause, a sigh and then, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that really, I just--" A low groan bubbled up from somewhere in the back of Sumeragi Subaru's throat, muted by the pillow he'd dragged over his head in a futile effort to drone out his grandmother's voice, a strange herald of the answering machine's destruction as a hand flashed out from beneath a lump of blankets to slap at the off button and missed, shoving the device off the nightstand beside the bed to crash to the floor. He shifted the covers tangled around him in the silence that followed, a pale, disheveled head poking out from beneath the pile to squint at the offending object in semi-darkness, features pinched in disbelief as he assessed the damage. "Shit." There was a time not so long ago when Subaru would have laughed off his grandmother's concern, picked up the phone like the good little scion he had been and talked her ear off about the weather or whatever miscellaneous details of recent casework came to mind until his enthusiasm washed any idea of worrying about him from her mind. Nowadays he was more apt to screen his calls just to avoid hearing her hit that particular pitch of pleading that cut straight to a lurking knot of tension just between his eyes, repeating his name like some holy mantra in an effort to make sure he was listening to her tinny, recorded voice with the 'proper respect befitting a Sumeragi'. There was also a time not so long ago when his inner monologue hadn't been quite so mocking, and he was sure his former self would have been politely horrified to see the changes time had wrought, but frankly Subaru found himself without the patience to mediate himself or what he thought, especially where his grandmother or his duty to the gods-be-damned family was concerned. As far as he was concerned the lot of them could go hang for all he cared. It wasn't just that they had lied to him. There were a lot of things he wished someone had seen fit to share with him sometime before the proverbial shit had so spectacularly hit the fan, but in the end he figured the miscellaneous range of distant cousins at the main house had been raised just as he had, to do as the family (an entity unto itself) saw fit. They were neither blameless nor particularly worthy of real hatred, products of a lifestyle that sought to extend the spiritual mind at the expense of general common sense. Products, in a way that was usually reserved for inanimate objects, molded from birth to follow orders and die for the cause, the family head, or whomsoever crossed their path that fell into that amorphous category of worthy innocents duty dictated they protect. He'd thought it was noble. But with time to reflect after failing the proverbial trial by fire he'd begun to wonder how they could kid themselves into believing they were really protecting anything when all they were doing was delaying the inevitable. The answering machine was a lost cause. Subaru could see that even before he managed to untangle himself enough to sit up, stretching the slight distance across the floor to pick up the remains of the damnable gadget -- the mechanism itself and the bit of plastic casing that had splintered off as the thing hit the floor -- staring at the jagged hole in its side for a moment and resisting the urge to try and fit the pieces back together again. Wouldn’t help anyway, and the futility of it (small though the gesture was) would only serve to make his mood fouler. Most everything in life was like that, he was finding, futile gestures meant to stem the tide of pain and suffering that lay around every corner, the truth behind the glitter of this city's civilized veneer -- that once broken damage was irreparable. No matter how much he might wish it otherwise. "I think you killed it." He managed to control his flinch at the familiar voice, soft and tentative even as it teased, turning to find Kamui half-inside his room, looking sheepish. The boy -- Subaru couldn't quite think of him as a man yet, awkward though that made their association -- looked torn between stepping forward and ducking away, slamming the door shut because the silence was stretching and Subaru knew that threw him off. He knew he was staring, but there was something about the way the smile sketched across Kamui's fine features looked as he reddened, actually blushed, reaching up to push a lock of unruly bangs out of his eyes. "Um... the door was open?" he asked tentatively, and Subaru allowed himself a small smile. "It is now." "Well unlocked, I mean," Kamui said quickly, eyes widening in alarm, "I didn't think you'd mind..." "Kamui," Subaru said, motioning the boy forward with an arm, "I know what you meant. It's alright. Come here?" He knew why Kamui was probing, it was a rare thing for him to stay at the manse with the others unless either Kamui or Subaru himself were entirely bedridden. He'd spent more long nights stretched over Kamui's bedside or petting his hands over the boy's hair when he awoke in some morphine induced haze to find the boy half asleep in his lap, hands clutching and while those moments of closeness were pleasant, it was a novelty to awake to find Kamui cautiously pushing for contact when they were both mobile enough to stand and move around the room. The exchange would have been far more pleasant without the ghost of his Obaachan's voice wafting in over the now destroyed speakers of the answering machine Imonoyama-sama had been so kind as to provide for those days he chose to stay with the other Dragons of Heaven, but at least they were both healthy. It was odd how that made the situation so uncomfortable, the closeness that came so easily in a crisis almost alien when there was no script to be followed, no formalities or necessities of physical hurts to attend, just he and Kamui and an entire morning to while away when it had been so long since he'd had anyone to share these moments with the pressure of everything he was feeling was almost too much to bear. Kamui was... attractive, to understate things entirely, and he knew the boy found him attractive (even if Kamui hadn't made his intentions more than well known, that boy Keiichi was far too talkative), but he was also sixteen years old and there were so many unhappy parallels there Subaru hadn't half a clue how to process, let alone deal with. He did flinch when hands reached out to loosen his death grip on the pieces of the answering machine, thin fingers smoothing over his knuckles with a breathy laugh before moving away. Subaru watched with an odd little pang as Kamui immediately fit the pieces back together to examine the damage, face scrunching in concentration. Kamui was always like this in the quiet moments, tentative and contented with the strangest things, as though simply being in Subaru's presence was enough to bring to life some long dormant joy. It was enough for Kamui just to be, to try, to talk and learn and grow, unconcerned with consequences outside of battle. It was baffling and undeniably appealing at once, and what did that make Subaru that he was twenty six years old, enamored of a teenager who had no idea what he was getting himself into? That someone so tainted had no right to monopolize his attentions like this at all? "Hey, you okay?" Kamui was looking at him in some concern, the pieces in his lap still pressed together, and that wasn't real, why didn't he see that? "You shouldn't do that," Subaru said, running absent fingers up Kamui's forearm, over a skinny bicep to slip beneath the short sleeve of his CLAMP Academy uniform, petting the skin beneath. "It's broken." 'I'm broken,' he wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat. Kamui wouldn't want to hear them anyway, he still had hope enough to want them not to be so. Kamui was looking at him expectantly, he was always looking at him expectantly, never recognizing that most of the time Subaru had no idea what he was meant to do. But he could fake it, tightened his grip, pulling Kamui to him so he could stifle the protest the boy's mouth was dropping open to lodge with his own, pressing his lips against Kamui's tentatively until he felt the boy answer with a breathy sigh, tipping his head to fit their mouths together properly. Kamui leaned into him with a satisfied hum, and that more than anything told him he'd chosen correctly, that his friend -- lover? -- had been hoping this would be what came of their morning. Subaru pressed forward carefully, parted lips brushing Kamui's as the boy inched forward, the remnants of the answering machine pressing into Subaru's stomach uncomfortably and he reached out to take them away, dropping them carelessly to the floor in the few moments it took Kamui to reach out with newly unoccupied hands to pull him closer. Their relationship had taken a turn for the passionate a little more than a month after his arrival in Tokyo, some silly late night discussion that began with Subaru staying far longer than was probably proper at Kamui's bedside after Kamui had aggravated an old injury from the incident with Monou Fuuma and his poor sister, talking about nonsensical things until well into the early morning in an effort to dispel the malaise that had settled over the boy after a particularly lengthy scolding from Kishuu-san for his carelessness. Subaru had found himself wanting to see Kamui's smile again and saw no reason to deny the impulse, ended up spending most of the evening learning to play some card game Yuzuriha-kun was teaching the others and mucking it up entirely when he couldn't remember the rules. His intentions had been perfectly innocent, or so he'd told himself. If his hands brushed Kamui's a little too often to be coincidental when the boy dealt him a hand, if they lingered as he moved to push Kamui's bangs away from those brilliant eyes, reveling in the warmth the resultant smile brought, it had nothing to do with sex. So when Kamui had boldly crossed the last few centimeters separating them to kiss him for the first time, he had been rightfully confused, ready to protest because he wasn't like that anymore, knowing where that sort of attraction led. But in the end he had to admit that it had been too simple for Kamui to angle against him when they were so close together already. He'd made it easy for those first furtive kisses to happen, reached out for Kamui in turn as the boy reached for him. It wasn't Kamui's fault that he'd taken the gestures for what they were, pulling away too quickly for Subaru's liking to blush and stammer his way through a confession. Subaru still wasn't sure how he felt about that, but he was trying, knowing when he was honest with himself that there was something there, even if it was a possible anomaly. His only experience with love had been painful and desperate, clinging to someone who had made it more than clear -- he rubbed his arm thoughtfully -- that he felt nothing for Subaru at all. These days Subaru tried not to think about Seishirou-san, failed miserably at every turn and hated himself for that weakness, finding himself wondering at odd hours what Seishirou-san was doing, waking from fevered dreams with the taste of Mild Sevens in his mouth and he'd had to make it a point not to smoke those lest he unwittingly invoke the ghost of that man, the one who had never really existed. Who had never really cared and in the end had taken everything from him, so why could he not get the selfish bastard out of his head? What did that mean for Kamui when he clung so hard to the boy while worrying constantly about a man who cared nothing for him, who forgot he existed when it suited him? What kind of freak was he, that love had to hurt to feel real? Kamui was crawling into his lap now, straddling his thighs and reaching out to steady himself on Subaru's shoulders. It seemed to dawn on him all at once as his hands made contact with bare skin that Subaru was still wearing impromptu sleeping garb, a pair of old sweatpants and little else, eyes widening comically and now that was adorable in a way that the boy would probably not appreciate, insistent that he was not a kid, dammit. Subaru pulled him closer, stifling any forthcoming exclamations by untucking the back of his uniform enough to wiggle a hand inside, fingers running over the bumps and valleys of Kamui's spine, amused as Kamui whimpered and clenched his hands over Subaru's skin harder. He liked that, the rough pressure of hands so much stronger than their delicate musculature suggested, leaning forward to reward the boy, laving wet kisses over his upper lip, the funny little sensitive place at its corner that made Kamui shiver and forget himself, darting his tongue into Subaru's mouth. His hands moved, one clasping at the base of Subaru's throat and shoulder convulsively, the other tangling in his hair as Kamui pushed further, tongue sliding against own with a clumsy insistence. It had always been readily apparent to Subaru that neither of them knew what they were doing. He wasn't sure Kamui had ever actually kissed another person before that first night with Subaru and for him there had only been a handful of kisses from Seishirou-san, all mind blowing technique that had always required very little of him beyond a surrender. His participation hadn't really been needed for Seishirou-san to take what he wanted, and while he had been too inexperienced to understand it at the time, they left him with very little idea what an actual, reciprocal relationship entailed. His breath hitched as Kamui broke away with a breathless cry, hands sliding over Subaru's chest and lips moving to his ear, mouthing the outer shell and tugging with gentle sucking pressure at his earlobe. He'd never expected the sensation to affect him like this until Kamui had accidentally discovered it, giggling unabashedly as he ran his tongue across random expanses of skin until he'd found the ones that made Subaru clench up, bucking against him mindlessly, and it never failed to make the boy laugh to see him do it again. It felt good, incredible even to be this close to another person again, one so eager to give back everything he so much as considered taking, but Subaru found himself wishing Kamui would worry a little less about him. Kamui was always so tentative, so careful with him and while he appreciated the sentiment it wasn't necessary. He had no idea how to explain that to the boy without sending him into a panic -- really, what was the proper way to tell someone he liked it when they hurt him just a little? That he longed to feel the pressure of teeth and the bite of nails along his skin, that gentle caresses were not enough. There was probably something wrong with him for wanting to be treated more roughly, but he couldn't stand the thought that Kamui might spend more time making certain he was pleasured than he did on taking pleasure himself. It wasn't right to ask a sixteen year old to take that much responsibility. It didn't matter right now. Kamui was busy dragging openmouthed kisses down his throat, latching on to a place just over Subaru's collarbone. It was getting harder to breathe, to take control of the situation and he could feel Kamui straining against him, the hardness pressing into his stomach with increasing pressure that he could only imagine was Kamui trying not to rock against him. That was stupid, that Kamui would try so hard not to frighten him, to push too far, when he knew there was nothing left of Subaru to break. He flexed his hands against Kamui's back, fingers dipping slightly below the waistband as he pulled the boy more firmly against him, satisfied at the low groan that bubbled up from somewhere in the back of Kamui's throat at the sudden movement, the face that buried itself against his shoulder as Kamui repositioned himself and rubbed against him, the muscles beneath Subaru's hand straining. His own control was slipping, yanking Kamui's collar open to lave his tongue across the junction of neck and shoulder as he bucked up into the boy's hips, establishing a rhythm though the heat it generated in him was mostly a reaction to the increasingly incoherent noises Kamui was making, at the completely wrong angle to satisfy himself and he wasn't sure he dared touch himself in front of Kamui yet, anymore than he was ready to risk bringing them both back to reality trying to maneuver one of Kamui's thighs between his. He needn't have worried, Kamui's head lifting from his shoulder to lean down and kiss him hungrily, shyness lost in the haze of desire as he latched onto Subaru's tongue and sucked hard, teeth scraping as he pulled away just enough to press forward from another angle. His hands left Subaru's shoulders, tracing patterns over his chest, around his nipples, down over his stomach to linger around his belly button for a moment before Kamui sighed against him and shoved a hand between them, fondling him through the stretchy material of his pants. Kamui pulled back enough to look at him, a touch of uncertainty flitting across his features but something in Subaru's expression made him laugh. "You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you?" "Maybe I thought I'd let you," he managed, before Kamui's hand squeezed again, eyes narrowing in something that might have been annoyance. The rest was lost to incoherency as Kamui's fingers traced the contours of his length through the material, pulling back to watch in rapt fascination as Subaru jerked against him, a helpless puppet in his hands and if he'd had any kind of coherent thought processes left that would have scared the hell out of him. As it was his eyes fluttered shut as the boy's fingers dipped beneath his waistband, combing through the short hairs there, laughing again at the completely undignified mewl that elicited as Subaru pressed forward, his own hand stopping just short of grabbing Kamui's and pushing it down to where he desperately wanted it. But Kamui froze, touch light and teasing as he asked, "What do you want?" "What?" he replied, mentally kicking himself as he tried to figure out what Kamui was implying. "You." Kamui's fingers dipped just a bit lower. "What do you want me to do, right now?" An openmouthed kiss was pressed to his lips, tongue plunging inside just long enough for him to respond before it pulled away. "I-- I don’t want to push. But I want-- Well, you. I figured that was obvious, but I don't want you... I don't know... martyring yourself? In bed? Because that? Is not sexy." Which was kind of a ridiculous thing to say with a hand on his dick, but Subaru could concede the point. Possibly. He thought so, but it was getting a bit hard to concentrate. It occurred to him, with an almost painful rush of arousal, that he could probably ask for just about anything and Kamui would give it to him. Would use that plush, wet mouth to suck him and he really was a bastard for thinking these things, even if the boy he felt so guilty over literally had him by the short hairs, gleefully shoving Subaru backward to lay prone beneath him, bending down to take a nipple into his mouth, teeth pressing just slightly and that alone made Subaru shiver. Kamui chuckled at the response, probably mentally cataloguing his reactions while he waited and as that pressure returned Subaru found himself really not giving a damn. "Well?" Kamui reminded him, a puff of air against damp skin that elicited another shiver, another breathless laugh. "I, uh," Subaru frowned, attempting to get his bearings back as Kamui's fingers wiggled beneath his waistline distractingly, "Come here." He spread his legs, pulling one of Kamui's thighs between them, pleased as Kamui took the hint and pulled his hand out of Subaru's pants, angling his hip against Subaru's erection and grinding down hard. There, that was good, better as he reached down beneath the waistband of Kamui's pants, squeezing the soft flesh of Kamui's ass and crushing the boy to him, Kamui's cries rasping against his ear as they rocked together, desperate, incoherent sounds passing between them, rising above their own ragged breathing. This was what he'd wanted, finding pleasure in the pressure against his erection, in the erection pressing into his hip and the concert of gasping exclamations that illustrated well enough for his frazzled mind that this was a shared gratification, that he could let go and trust that his partner would not suffer for it. Kamui certainly wasn't suffering, happily groaning into his shoulder, nuzzling his jaw line, pulling Subaru's chin up to kiss him deeply, teeth scraping against his lips and tongue as they moved against each other, pleasure building to something frantic, almost painful before it hit its peak. Kamui was the first to find it, jerking in Subaru's arms with a sharp cry, frozen and panting for a moment before his entire body went lax against Subaru's. They laid together for a moment, Subaru attempting to calm his irregular breathing, chest heaving even with Kamui's weight nestled against him and he tried to will his body to calm, petting his hands over Kamui's exposed skin where sometime during their fumbling the boy's uniform shirt had ended up rucked beneath his arms, his pants pushed down low enough on his hips that they were barely on him at all and he made the most interesting noises as Subaru's fingers traced over his tailbone, threatening to move lower. But Kamui wasn't done with him and didn't waste any time in regrouping, levering himself up to stare down at Subaru for a moment before unceremoniously plunging his hand below Subaru's waistband again, renewing his earlier efforts with new fervor. There wasn't much to do with that but ride it out, feeling himself swell under Kamui's fingers, reaching up to pull Kamui down to nip at his lips as the boy grew bold enough to circle a hand around him, thumb smoothing over the tip of his erection, sliding over the ridge below the head. Tentative touches became firmer as Kamui learned his way, bolstered by the familiarity of Subaru's kiss and the hands clutching restlessly at his back. Subaru reared up into his touch, watching as Kamui's head dipped, watching his hand work with rapt attention, a strange sort of innocence in his boldness, that it didn't seem to occur to him to pause over any of this, as though it were a completely natural evolution of their involvement. That did it, a particularly firm squeeze sending him over the edge, pleasure expanding and exploding outward, muscles clamping down for a few long seconds before he could gasp for air again, eyes fluttering open to find Kamui hovering over him, grinning goofily. Subaru reached out to brush messy bangs out of the teenager's eyes, surprised at how lax his muscles felt. "That was..." He trailed off at Kamui's laugh, watching in slightly horrified fascination as Kamui sat back against his thighs, staring thoughtfully at the hand he'd used to touch Subaru for a long moment, holding it up for Subaru to see that it was covered in-- Oh. "I should get a washcloth," Subaru murmured, huffing a little as Kamui locked his legs around Subaru's hips, refusing to let him up. "Nah," Kamui said, tossing him an unreadable look before his attention returned to his hand, contemplating it for a moment more before he brought it to his lips, tongue flickering out to lap tentatively at the liquid spattering his fingers. "I understand now," Subaru said calmly, "You're trying to kill me." "Like that, do you?" Kamui sucked his index finger into his mouth up to the second knuckle, laving it suggestively. "You know if that was what you wanted all you had to do was ask." Subaru's hand closed over Kamui's wrist, small and deceptively frail in his larger palm, pulling it towards himself until he could bring it to his own lips, tongue sliding along the path of wetness Kamui's own had left before he dipped his mouth lower to clean the rest of the spatter from Kamui's hand. Kamui's breath hitched, much to his amusement, eyes meeting Subaru's and holding for a long moment when Subaru was finished, hands still lingering over Kamui's, almost cradling it against his abdomen. "Sometimes it's not my place to ask." "Subaru--" Kamui frowned, shaking his head in frustration. "I want you to ask. Really. It would kind of help me to figure out what you like so I’m not just... flailing around and making you unhappy. So please? Next time? I-- I mean, if there is a next time, and if not that's okay too, I don't actually know what I'm doing and--" The stammering stopped when Subaru kissed him, letting go of his hands to make at least a perfunctory attempt at straightening his uniform, wrinkled and suspiciously wet in places but at least now it was covering him in all the appropriate places. He tried not to be too disappointed in that. "You did fine," Subaru assured him, "Better than fine actually, you're very good with your hands." It might have been more encouraging to tell Kamui that he didn't have half a clue what he was doing either, but that would only lead to another furtive conversation about his relationship with Seishirou-san and involve far too much awkwardness when Kamui realized he'd assumed too much. Subaru wasn't certain he would ever be able to talk about it freely, not the bitter end he'd shown Kamui during his coma but the contented times before, the surreal happy days of that first year in Tokyo so full of hope and promise it was painful to remember that he'd ever been so stupid as to believe they could stay that way forever. That he could bind another person to him so selfishly and not suffer the consequences. He didn't know what he was doing now, knowing the comfort he found here with Kamui couldn't last, wouldn't hold against the rising tide of violence and responsibility as the year's end moved inexorably closer. It was idiotic to expect Kamui to stand by him when half the time he couldn't even stand, brutality almost a way of life and even if Subaru could straighten out how he felt in time it was likely that the monster Monou Fuuma had become would get his lucky shot one day, injure Kamui just a little too severely and then it would all be over. Subaru wasn't certain where that would leave him if he let himself depend on Kamui for comfort, but even knowing that he couldn't quite bring himself to push the boy away. Kamui's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "So, um, did we just have sex?" "What?" Subaru choked, almost indignant until he caught the amused look on Kamui's face. "Depends on your definition of the term. You can draw the line wherever you like." "Huh," Kamui said, chewing his bottom lip as he mulled it over. "So I get to decide then?" Subaru smiled, grateful for the distraction if nothing else. "If it makes you happy." "What if I want to make you happy?" Kamui's arms wound around his waist, pulling him close. There was so much he could say to that, most of it variations on a theme of not wanting Kamui to hurt himself wishing for impossible things. It was bad enough that the boy had the fate of the world resting on his shoulders without some misguided quest to save what was left of Subaru's soul added into the mix. He liked Kamui, found him intriguing, wanted to make love to him in a pathetically juvenile, infatuated way, but he knew there was little hope for him. Most of the time he was barely convincing himself that he was any good for Kamui. After all, his life was in ruins, who was he to use that experience to teach Kamui the pitfalls of living responsibly when he had so obviously learned nothing from it? He shoved those thoughts away brutally, pulling Kamui closer to kiss him. "I don't think you could manage in the time it's going to take you to get to class." Subaru tipped his head towards the nightstand where the alarm clock stood in its place next to the empty air where the answering machine once sat. "Unless you're skipping, in which case we're going to have to think of a really good excuse to hand Imonoyama-sama." Kamui's eyes widened. "Oh. Crap." He scrambled up with such an utter lack of poise it made Subaru laugh, sitting up and righting his own clothing as best he could, trying to ignore the sticky wetness clinging to his skin where Kamui's hand hadn't caught some of his semen. Kamui himself was attempting to straighten his uniform and failing, huffing a little frustrated sigh at his reflection in the mirror set over a useless little vanity in one corner of Subaru's room, part of the décor that suffered the fate of housing several of Subaru's copied spell books and raw materials when he stayed with the others, strewn with blank ofuda paper and Post It notes with appointments scrawled across them. "I'm sorry, Subaru, I didn't realize we'd been... um... at it so long." Kamui turned to him with an apologetic smile, tugging at a shirt cuff. "I really can't skip class. I miss ever other week as it is and Imonoyama-sama's been so accommodating I'd feel too guilty to do anything all day." "It's okay. I understand." Subaru reached for his pack of cigarettes on the nightstand, pulling one out and lighting it, taking a long pull and holding his breath to feel the weight of smoke in his lungs. "Though I'd suggest a change of clothes first." Kamui grinned sheepishly, stepping closer to wrap his arms around Subaru's neck, pulling the cigarette from his hand and unsubtly stubbing it out in the ashtray by the bed. "You could come by later. We could try, you know..." Subaru turned away, watched the dying cherry on the semi-crushed cigarette smolder. "That's very direct of you." "What," Kamui huffed, lips moving over his cheek, "Should I be ashamed of myself? Are you really that uncomfortable with this?" "No." "Translation, yes. Subaru--" "You're sixteen." "I'm--" Subaru looked back in time to catch Kamui's quickly repressed expression of anger. "That just means I have more stamina," Kamui tried, leaning on humor and he was really spending too much time with Sorata. Subaru blinked blandly at the boy until Kamui pulled his arms away and pulled back to cross them, scowling down at him. "You know, you didn't seem to care that I was sixteen when you had your hands on my ass." Subaru sighed. "I know. That's the problem." "Subaru!" Kamui's hands clenched over his shoulders. "You think I don't know what this is about? You're not him. You'll never be him, for a lot of really good reasons. For one, you're prettier. For another, you? Not a sociopath. I like that about you." The boy frowned, shaking his head. "I bet a little part of you is hoping I'll get tired of fighting with you if you're misanthropic enough and back off, maybe take the decision out of your hands so you can stop obsessing, and you know what? No. A couple of weeks ago maybe that would've worked, but not now. I don't know a lot about you, but I do know that you like me, you like this, and you don't really want to stop seeing me, you just think you should. I don’t get why. I don't care why. You were the one who told me I couldn't just let myself stagnate because the world wasn't what I wanted to be. Were you just bullshitting or what?" That hit a little too close to home, but Subaru was good at these kinds of evasions, shook his head and answered with another question. "You figured all that out while we were fooling around?" "That's not going to work," Kamui told him, huffing and reaching out to smooth Subaru's hair back, "But if it makes you feel better, we don't have to talk about this. Mostly because I am seriously, incredibly late and my teacher's going to roast me if I don't get moving now." It was odd, watching Kamui draw closer the more annoyed he became, hands petting over his hair, moving down to clench over a little knot of tension between his shoulder blades he hadn't realized was there until it was beginning to dissipate under the attention. His head slipped back, leaning into the touch, face tipping upwards at just the right angle to find himself caught in an intense, world-weary stare, the blue-violet of Kamui's irises refracting darker colors in the light filtering through the curtains. He looked too old, too canny and more like the creature prophecy demanded him to be, unyielding and so very obviously fixated on Subaru alone. Subaru cleared his throat nervously, interrupting the moment, whatever it had been. "So class?" "Class," Kamui agreed, though he waited a few moments to slip away, leaning down to press for a final kiss. "If you're going to be around later I promised Yuzuriha I'd bake some cookies with her after school. Me in the kitchen should be good for a laugh, if nothing else." "I'll be gone most of the day. I have a job in Shinjuku that'll probably take me a few hours just to prepare for." He'd heard that much of his grandmother's message before the untimely demise of the answering machine, though he was going to have to call the main house back to confirm the where and when since he'd been too preoccupied to write it down. It wasn't likely to take as long as he'd told Kamui, but he needed time to collect himself before he came back, before Kamui inevitably began the push for answers. It was both comforting and incredibly disconcerting to catch a glimpse of the teenager's dark side, the creature that flickered behind those brilliant eyes, reminding him that if nothing else, Kamui was no one's victim. Given what his dark counterpart could do, if the kid ever got a decent hold on his powers he could kick Subaru across the room without breaking a sweat. He wasn't entirely convinced Kamui couldn't do it now if pressed, and that made him feel at least a little less like a predator... even if it did automatically knock him down a few pegs. Though it was hard to remember with Kamui fidgeting in the doorway, smoothing nervous hands over wrinkled clothes. "But you'll come back after?" Kamui was saying, "I'd kinda like to see you if you don't mind. We don't have to talk, I just--" "Want sex?" Subaru deadpanned, "Yeah, I get that." "Well not just," Kamui said, indignant, "But I'm willing to settle until I figure out how to outmaneuver you." "I suppose I should be grateful you're honest about it." "Be grateful I can see you underneath all that glibness, if you're going to lean on something." Kamui's expression softened, pausing with his hand on the doorknob. "You don't have to try so hard, you know. I know you hurt. I know it's all the time. It's not exactly the same as me, but... I get it. It's not going to make me hate you." 'That's not what I'm afraid of,' he wanted to say, turning away to busy himself with lighting another cigarette, using the familiar procedure to still the sudden shaking in his hands. There was just no way he could explain things to Kamui without making all that misery, for the both of them, that much worse. He took a drag, flickering the cigarette over the ashtray. The door creaked open. "So... tonight?" "I'll come back when I'm finished," Subaru said, exhaling harshly. He had a feeling if he said no, Kamui would be waiting for him at his apartment, and the last thing the Dragons of Earth needed was the ready invitation of Kamui wandering around the city by himself. "I'll help you make up the work you just missed if you need it." The smile that bloomed over Kamui's features was brilliant. "I'd rather feed you cookies, but if that's what it takes math homework has suddenly taken on a new and exciting light." Another grin, a tap against the doorframe and Kamui slipped away, clicking the door shut quietly, reverently as though he were afraid to disturb and it was really too late for that attitude, wasn't it? Subaru didn't think he'd ever been so grateful for the strictness of high school attendance policies in his life, which morphed into guilt because he had taken what he'd wanted before so unceremoniously pushing Kamui out the door, now hadn't he? He sighed, picking up his ashtray to bring with him into the bathroom, peeling himself out of his sticky sleepwear and turning the knob on the shower. He would get ready, call and face his grandmother's wheedling long enough to confirm his appointment and when all was said and done, return to the mansion to deal with Kamui. He couldn't quite decide whether his ambivalence signaled some reaction to the prospect of sex or meaningful conversation, but it probably didn't matter. He could sit and smile and humor the other Seals for a night while they worked off their anxiety baking cookies, of all things. For Kamui's sake, if nothing else. He just didn't know how to tell Kamui he couldn't stand sweet things anymore. ***End [ back ]
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